My best friend from childhood Alexis and her boyfriend Scott are coming into town and staying with through Christmas eve. She doesn’t know about blobby yet because I am waiting to tell her in person (tonight!) but for once I’m the one who’s worried about how telling someone I’m pregnant will make them feel.

Normally I’m on the other side of that equation, but in this case, Alexis has been waiting 2+ years for Scott to propose and had jokingly started telling me the day after our wedding that I’d better not get pregnant before her wedding. She knows about our infertility issues and has of course been very supportive (she even offered me her eggs!) but I’m a little worried to tell her that its going to hurt her that she thought for SURE she’d be engaged by the time I got pregnant.. and I know she definitely wasn’t expecting that I would give birth before she even has her wedding. But apparently her boyfriend is a very cautious man. I really really like Scott, but I wish he would get on with it already because even though they both don’t realize it now, if she wants to have children her time is running out.

In another odd twist another friend of ours from High School Evan is coming up with his wife Jen tomorrow night to visit with Scott, Alexis and me and Jeff. He and Jen knew about our treatments and how long we’ve been trying and he called two nights ago to tell me Jen was pregnant. Even though I hadn’t planned on telling them until we see them in person tomorrow I said “Really? So am I!”

He was incredibly relieved because he told me he had been AGONIZING for days and planning with Alexis the best way to tell me because he was so worried about how I would take the news.

Much like my experience at Sarah’s shower, this is another “Thank God”I’m pregnant situation because yes, even though I would have been extremely happy for them, I would have been so depressed for me because guess what? They got pregnant their first month of trying.

The weird thing was that I could tell that Evan was a little freaked out it happened so fast. At one point in the conversation I mentioned how terrified I was. He said “me too!” and I knew he meant of parenthood, when I meant of miscarriage!

So there is at least one gift infertility has given me, which is that I haven’t once second guessed my decision to become a mom. After all I’ve done to get here there can be no doubt that I wanted this and that I wanted it now.

I often wonder if I would have felt differently if I was the girl that got pregnant the first month of trying.. would I have been scared of motherhood? Scared of giving up our independence, scared that the timing wasn’t right, scared of how it might effect us financially?

Dealing with infertility takes all of those fears away from you because your only fear is of NOT having children.. not the other way around.

Filed under: Rant by ariana
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