20 something me.
Yesterday was my 4oth birthday. I’ve though a lot about that day and how I would feel about marking another decade. Obviously I’m not particularly thrilled about the milestone, but then again, when I look at where I am in my life and the multitude of blessings, how can I possibly be anything but proud and grateful?
Never in my wildest imagination would my 20 something year old self have thought that I’d be where I am right now – living in the house of my dreams, doing something creative for a living, with three happy healthy children that I love more than life itself and a wonderful man to share it all with.
Sure, there are things I miss about that younger me..
She could actually shop and have time to try things on because she didn’t have four impatient people to appease.
She had time to go to the gym. Every day and for as long as she wanted to.
She was strong and lean and had no stretch marks, her stomach was beautiful and flat and she could wear whatever she wanted without trying to cover up the aftermath of a twin pregnancy.
She dreamed big and thought she could be a rockstar if she wanted to.. literally a rock star.
She had all the time in the world to devote to writing songs and being deeply creative in a way that only free time and solitude allowed for.
She had many good friends who lived within walking distance (or even in the same apartment!) and had all the time in the world to hang out with them.
But I don’t envy her. How could I? She had yet to even imagine the type of fierce love that three tiny souls would unleash in her. It’s hard to even comprehend a life before that love.
I would have a few words of advice for her however. I might tell her to cherish her sleep, because it would be in scarce supply.
I would tell her to finish that CD she was working on, that sometimes the perfect can get in the way of the good and it’s better to have something than nothing.
I would tell her to feel beautiful, to eat a piece of cake without guilt or shame.
I would tell her to enjoy her tiny closet of a studio apartment that took only 5 minutes to tidy up!
I would tell her to travel more because there would come a time when doing so would entail 5 times the cost and 20 times the sanity.
I would tell her not to stress so much about what to be or do when she grew up – things have a way of unfolding just as they should.
But most of all I would tell her that she had so much to look forward to. More wrinkles, under eye bags, sagging and furrows yes, but also much more love than she could even dream of.
I am 40, and my life is full and happy. What more could anyone ask for?