First, about the images: I took these images yesterday as part of endeavor to take our own family portraits with just a remote shutter release.  I have to say I’m a little bit amazed it actually WORKED! {Taken with the 5D Mark II, top two images with the 70-200 V II, bottom image with the Tamron 28-75.}

It was our second time planning on doing a family portrait, but the first time we called it off because it was completely overcast and I had my heart set on the sunset drenched images I have been producing for my clients in my favorite new shooting location.

Yesterday, attempt #2, it was just as cloudy but I knew we had to go anyway because it was a high of 66 degrees – it most likely wouldn’t be that warm again.  Plus, we were all dressed and ready and I don’t think we would have managed to muster the enthusiasm necessary to get all ready to go a THIRD time!

I don’t even own a tripod, so I took a child sized chair to prop the camera on and read the instructions on how to use the remote shutter on the way there.

The other two times I shot in this location there was amazingly beautiful backlighting – but with no sun this was not an option so I had to find a new spot to set up. A nice golden patch of weeds (reeds?) seemed like a good compliment to our brown wardrobe.

We took a lot of images, most of which did not come out – but it was well worth the effort just to have even one image of us as a family. If nothing else to prove that I am part of this family too! Yes, there I am – I do exist!

I was so excited to get home and see the images, but it was time to get Jasper ready for bed, and truth be told I am so behind with client’s images that I don’t have TIME to work on my own images.. which is why there are only three included here.

I don’t have time. I don’t have time even though I spend SO MUCH time on the computer. Which brings me to heartbreaking thing #1.

This morning Jasper was taking his sweet time getting into his car seat (as usual) so I reminded him that one of his superpowers was to get into the carseat REALLY FAST!  So he jumps in (yay, it worked!) and as I’m buckling him up he asks “Mommy, what’s YOUR superpower?”

Thinking for a second, I look at him and say “I don’t know honeybear, what do YOU think Mommy is really good at?”

Without hesitation he says “Working! You’re really good at working on the computer at our house!”

Did you hear the sound of my heart breaking when he said that? I have a lump in my throat just writing about it.

This is how my son thinks of me, and he’s right – I’m SO over committed that it’s hard for me to NOT be on the computer any free moment I can be, but it’s not fair to my family. Which brings me to heartbreaking thing #2.

IUI #3 was a bust, so I have to try to figure out how to move forward with IVF despite the fact that there is so much going on in our lives at the moment, financially, logistically and emotionally (more on that later).  And, how can I even think about having another baby when I don’t “have enough time” for the one sweet amazing adorable one we already have?

But, this is a week to give THANKS. And I am so thankful for what I do have that I MUST stay positive even though I sometimes feel like I’m drowning and will never find a balance.

This is what I am thankful for:  That we are a family, and even if we are forever only three, we are a together and we are happy! We may not have “baby #2″ but how lucky we are to have had Jasper?  That we had insurance coverage for infertility treatments, that they worked, that he was born healthy, beautiful and perfect. We have so much and I will NOT forget to remember that even in the face of disappointment over not having more.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I may not be giving birth to a second child anytime soon, but I AM happy to announce the “birth” of something very exciting to me..

I’m standing in my new studio!!!!!!! (wet hair and all, looking like a dear in headlights)

I never thought I wanted/needed a studio space, but the last few months brought a slew of newborn shoots.. which I love, but also hate mostly due to the fact that I do on location and the amount of props to load and then unload and set up, and then breakdown and unload again.. and then put away was REALLY getting to me.

And THEN.. I started carrying organic bloom frames and ordered a ton of studio samples and started bringing them along to my on location in person sales sessions..which turned into ANOTHER load/unload nightmare, not to mention that I just don’t have ROOM to store all this stuff. SO I seriously started to entertain the idea of renting a studio space if I could find the right one.

And then I DID.. I just didn’t know it yet..

A family  friend had her office in an old historic building that used to house a gigantic funky vintage clothing store called Udelco (there is actually a facebook page “I used to shop at Udelco!” ) and it’s where I did these images of Janaki:

I always thought it was a really cool place, so asked my friend if she knew if they had any empty space and sure enough someone had just moved out next door to her office!

When I went to go see it, I was super impressed with the light (GIGANTIC large windows!) but the space just seemed unworkable to me. It’s very long and narrow – 28 feet long by only 9 feet wide and has no closets or cabinets or anywhere to put my props etc.

So I didn’t really do anything about it and let the idea marinate for several weeks.  I started looking at what else was available and nothing had the quality of light or the funky studio feel that this odd little place had. At the same time,  a local photographer friend had given up his gigantic studio and was amenable to the idea of sharing a space, so I asked him to come take a look and give me a second opinion.

I’m so glad I did, because seeing it again through his eyes I realized that even though the dimensions leave something to be desired, the beauty of the light and it’s odd charm are undeniable.  So we did it!  We can move in August first!

There is so much work that needs to be done, not the last of which is figure out a workable use of the space, find the right furnishings etc.  But both Chris and I are excited for the challenge and I know Jeff is thrilled that he we can get all my props and crap out of the closets at home!

Here is an image that illustrates the long and narrowness of the space:

And another that shows the giant old windows (there are 6 of them!)

We are having them stain the floor a darkish blue gray called “riverstone”, which I hope was the right call.. I wanted something neutral, but I’m wondering if we should have gone warmer (thoughts?)

So my vision for the space is that in the far back will be a sitting area/viewing area where moms can relax during shoots and where we can do ordering sessions. This will really be a shooting space/ordering space only, there is no room for computer workstations and storage is at a premium, so instead of a computer I’m thinking of a dresser or cabinet where we can store blankets/props and just have  a flat screen or large computer monitor on top of it that we can plug our laptops into for viewings.  JUST in front of that seating area I want to run a tension rod or wire where we can have a fabric to pull across and cover the seating area so we can utilize the length of the studio for shooting and have an uncluttered background.

About halfway down we are planning on hanging a large seamless holder from the ceiling with three colors. The combination of the seamless and whatever curtain we put in front of the viewing area should give us a lot of variety even in that tiny space.

For a tiny bit more rent our landlord agreed to let us put Chris’ very large metal cabinet which will have to act as the “closet” for equipment and props because there isn’t one in the shooting space.

The whole project has me really excited about photography again in a way that I haven’t been lately – my wall guides business has taken up so much of my time and attention that editing shoots was just seeming like a bad time investment. Plus, like I mentioned the loading/unloading was really getting to me.

I can’t wait until the floors are done and I can do my first shoot in the space, which will have to be Jasper of course!
:)

Because the Westchester branch of my clinic is closed on the weekends, I had to once again go into NYC for treatment. My appointment was for 9am, which means that the timing had to be perfect. The sperm must reach the clinic within an hour of “production” so poor Jeff had to be on a pretty strict schedule.

Let me just say that even though the extent of the man’s involvement in all this IF stuff is pretty limited, the pressure to produce on demand is pretty tough and I really sympathize. Ok, I’d rather orgasm into a cup than shoot myself up every night, but still, I can see that its a pretty stressful ordeal for him.

Luckily our timing was just right and by 8:03 am I was on my way into manhattan with the cup under my shirt to keep it at room temperature.

I got to the clinic which was PACKED and dropped off the sample and was told I’d have to wait 1.5 hours before they could actually do the IUI! At the Westchester office it took Dr. K like 20 minutes, so I wasn’t expecting to have to hang out there all morning. Luckily I had my Ipod and several episodes of Fresh Air kept me occupied.  The woman who took the sample told me I could go out for breakfast while I waited.  Pretty funny considering this is midtown manhattan at 9am. Trust me, there’s like nothing open in that area at that time on a Sunday.. I know because I used to work about a block away.

The IUI itself was pretty uneventful, though I must say the doc that did it was a little less gentle than Dr. K and had the spotting later that afternoon to prove it.

He said The post wash sperm count was 19million, which is pretty damn good. Anything over 10 million is good for an IUI, so hopefully the extra swimmers will compensate for the big old polyp they have to swim around. Go spermies go!