BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m still in SHOCK!

It’s only 8 days after a 3 day transfer, which equates to testing  at around 11 days past ovulation, or 3 days before a missed period which is still pretty early. I wasn’t expecting the line to turn so dark so fast. With Jasper I tested on the same day and you could barely see it!

My Beta HCG test (blood test to confirm pregnancy) wasn’t scheduled until Monday, but there was NO WAY I was going to wait until then a) because I’m too impatient and b) because it means going into the office early in the morning and waiting around minute by agonizing minute until they call you with the results that afternoon.  When I think of being told I’m pregnant or not pregnant by a nurse on the other end of the phone, and then calling Jeff with the good or bad news at work.. it’s just so CLINICAL.

I know that’s an odd thing to say because the whole IVF process is clinical, but this part, this one little part I wanted us to experience at home like a normal couple and either celebrate together or cry in each others arms.

Of course it still didn’t work out exactly as I had it in my head..

I woke up at 6am and had to pee SO BADLY that there was no way I could wait until Jeff and Jasper woke up at their usual 7am or so.  But I also knew that was early to test so it would be essential to use first morning urine.

So I tested.. and then when it turned positive I ran and dragged Jeff out of bed into the bathroom where I presented him with the two lines..

He was so bleary eyed it took him a good minute or so to register what I was showing him… those two lines that we’ve only ever seen one other time and probably will never see again!

I emailed my Dr. who told me to come in for the Beta blood test today, I will go back again Monday to see if the Beta HCG is rising appropriately. If it doesn’t, that means bad news for this being a viable pregnancy.  He also cautioned me that it’s still very early and I should only be cautiously optimistic. And my head KNOWS that.

But the fact is that with our BFP with Jasper I was SO scared in the beginning that I actually burst into tears at the Dr’s office getting my blood drawn for the second Beta test.. so scared that I couldn’t let myself enjoy the good news.

So yes, I KNOW there is SO much that can go wrong still, particularly at my age.  But I feel joyful, so even if the wise thing to do is guard my heart against disappointment, I want to enjoy this feeling of being pregnant knowing how hard we worked to get here and just bask in it for at least the weekend.

THANK YOU for all the positive vibes, prayers, well wishes or whatever you have offered up on our behalf.  Whichever way this goes, I am so very grateful for your support!!

PS: If you are the betting kind, when I was pregnant with Jasper the Giants and the Patriots played in the superbowl and the Giants won. I had a good feeling about our chances for this cycle when I found out the same teams were playing this year and I’m pretty sure we are going to have a repeat performance from the Giants. Being Giants fans that could all be wishful thinking, but we will DEFINITELY be placing some money on them to win – we are feeling very lucky :)

UPDATE: For those of you who know what these numbers mean, I just got the callback with my Beta. 112! OMG. With Jasper at 12 days (not 11 like today) it was 31.  GULP!

I really love my Aunt, she’s the only person in my ‘real’ life that actually regularly reads my blogs which shows you how much she cares..

Auntie if you’re reading this, I know you wouldn’t have told mom and dad if you had known I hadn’t yet! I’m sorry if you think I’m mad at you, I’m not. Thanks for caring as much as you do.

Love,

Ari

My Beta went up from 33 @ 12dpIUI to 191 @ 15dpIUI!  That’s almost doubling every 24 hours instead of 48.  (OMG, I wonder if there are two in there?)  Needless to say I am extremely relieved.. I was so panicked before I seriously didn’t breathe all day.

The other good news is my progesterone also doubled from 16 to 33. Phew.

I go in for an ultrasound next Monday.. I’m not even sure what they can see that early, I think they just check the placement of the sac and make sure its in the uterus and not ectopic or anything..

I’m a little nervous that I’m not getting a 3rd Beta, but I guess that also means they think everything is going to be fine. Plus, I don’t think I could live through another today, so its just as well!

:)

Its so nice to see that word.. no lines to interpret, just that one little word. How can it contain such joy? And such fear?

Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all last night.. Poor Jeff, I kept waking him up with all my tossing and turning and asking him “How can you sleep? We are PREGNANT!”

Then I rushed off this morning to RMA for a Beta. I won’t know the results until late this afternoon, which makes for a very very long day.

I do want to go back to yesterday though.

I came home from acupuncture expecting some sort of romantic greeting (flowers would have been nice honey) and instead Jeff is sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap and doesn’t even get up to hug me.

When I was like “hello, I’m pregnant, can I get a little celebratory reaction here?” he kept saying that he wouldn’t believe it until the doctor said it was true.. he was half joking, but not really. He doesn’t know/understand the accuracy of HPTs, what the hell a Beta is,  why it needs to double, he’s just so in the dark that I think he’s scared to be excited too soon.

So all in all, there was no tender “you’re going to be a daddy” hallmark moment for me.

Back to the present..

I am really not feeling many symptoms at all. Some random tightening cramps, constipation of course and increased appetite (already??). I ate two eggs for breakfast this morning and I normally barely eat breakfast. Then, by 10:30 I was starving.

But in general, I am the happiest I’ve ever been.. not in a giddy sort of way, but in a “I have the best secret in the world” sort of way.

Next steps?

1 )Wait for Beta this afternoon.

2) Pray for Beta to double over the weekend and go back for 2nd Beta Monday.

3) Learn about pregnancy. Seriously, I know about as much as an RE about infertility, but when it comes to actually being pregnant? I’m like a fish out of water.

If anyone has any great books to recommend let me know!

I was FULLY expecting to see nothing, another BFN as usual. But then… after about 5 minutes I thought I saw a really really faint line.. I’m still not sure, maybe its a fluke.. I’m too scared to get excited:

There’s definitely something there right? I think I should try to go in for a Beta tomorrow..providing I still see the line on another test tomorrow morning.. OMG, could this really be happening??

I’m posting it here because I’m too scared to tell anyone else but I have to tell SOMEONE!!

**Afternoon Update**

After posting here and everyone saying it was a BFP, I got an Answer brand test, held my pee for a couple hours and…….BFP!!!!

BFP on Answer test.. the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life..

Ok, so now I know its not an evaporation line like I was scared it might be.. but of course I’m now worried that maybe its the HCG trigger I took on CD11? That was 13 days ago, so I don’t think so, but it’s possible.

Last month I started testing on dollar store HPTs at around 9dpo just so I could see the trigger leave my system and I never really got a positive, so I think it was gone by then.. ?

Does the worrying never end? Why can’t I just enjoy this, what should be the happiest moment of my life instead of freaking out about “what ifs?”