Overstimulated & Overwhelmed

Today was day two of my cycle which ended earlier than scheduled – of course because the timing is terrible!   Jeff is away this weekend on a “Mancation” with his guy friends (which he repeatedly reminded me is his first time away “not for business” as compared to my three brief times away for business, but for photography business which apparently doesn’t count because I like it :)   At any rate,  what this all means is that it was the perfect storm of me having to start treatments again without Jeff’s help getting out of the house early and on TOP of that, our real estate agent is showing the house twice today AND filming some sort of video to put on their website.

So, I had to somehow get up, shower, get Jasper ready and leave the house SPOTLESS, drop Jasper off at daycare, then drive half an hour over the Hudson and get to my RE’s office before monitoring ends at 9:30.   I made it at 9:25 which was a goddamn miracle.

So when he did the baseline ultrasound he found that I have some fairly gigantic cysts on one ovary due to the meds from last cycle and have to have a rest cycle before starting treatments again. Well, that explains the abdominal discomfort I’ve been experiencing the last two weeks!

Instead of being devastated by the news I have to admit I felt a HUGE sense of relief.  The idea of not having to deal with the stress of getting to monitoring and the IUI itself in the mornings during the first two cycle weeks and then not having do do the icky progesterone in the last two weeks is positively cathartic. I feel like I’ve been granted an infertility furlow!

I know I shouldn’t feel that way – every missed cycle I’m one month closer to the end of my reproductive possibilities.  But, I can’t change how I feel.   The emotional stress was so much more intense when trying for #1 (a rest cycle would have DEVASTATED ME!) but the logistical stress this time around is out of control. Between taking care of a toddler, trying to sell our house and having to clean it CONSTANTLY, opening up the studio and everything else I have going on is just maybe more than I can handle right now.

I know I can do it, and next month I’ll just have to take it one day at a time and get through it as best I can. Because I DO want another baby, and I don’t have much time left. Which brings me to another conundrum: Insurance.

This year I have an insurance that only covers a max of 5K annually for infertility (yes, I know I’m lucky any of it is covered!) and the one IUI cycle used up about 3K! So next cycle will be mostly paid for, but until I can switch to a different plan (which would start January 1st) any additional cycles will be out of pocket.  Assuming I cycle in September and it fails, I’m not sure what we will do.  Thankfully, we are in a financial position to be able to afford an IUI cycle out of pocket (several even) but if he decides we should proceed to IVF I think we might wait (the other plan covers  up to three IVFs.)

The problem is that time is of the essence, even a few months can mean the difference between good and so-so egg quality.  So I’m feeling the pressure.

This month though – I plan on enjoying my month off: the opening of my studio, Jasper’s birthday party and the end of summer WITHOUT the stress of treatments!  Can I get a Hell Yeah???

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christine says:

Hi, I don’t know if any of you are aware or open to natural healing, but my husband is a massage therapist and during his schooling they had many women and men come in that had infertility issues. After getting structural body work done they were able to conceive. It is because most of the time there is something out of alignment in the body that they weren’t even aware of. Plus it’s a lot cheaper. He had done work on me when I was pregnant. He did craniosacral therapy and reiki on me. I had a great pregnancy and natural childbirth. I hope this has been of help to you. I know first hand that this works. May you have a great day.

Kate says:

Just stumbled upon your blog…it’s great! I too suffer from infertility and all your comments brought back SO much, both good and bad. We conceived our DD with an IUI, and in the winter will consider trying again with treatments after she turns 2. Unfortunately my insurance covers ZERO for infertility, so I would be over the moon with how much yours covers! Wow! Makes me want to try and find a different plan. LOL Thank you for sharing.

spark says:

Hi Ariana, have read for your blog for the longest time but have never commented – too shy:) Just wanted to drop a line and tell you that you are amazing. You are truthful and that takes a particular strength. With the risk of sounding all gushy, although we have never met your honesty and ability to clearly express what you are feeling have inspired me. Sending you lots of heartfelt good vibes and love for the next round.

Juliana says:

Ariana, take a deep breath. Try to calm yourself and live a day at a time. Otherwise the stress will just make thinks harder. I am here sending good thoughts and praying that you will soon receive good news!

ariana says:

Holy crap – they just called with my bloods and my FSH was 4.2!!! Damn, this would have been a good month to cycle :(

ariana says:

Oops- nevermind.. I’m sure the cysts are artificially suppressing that FSH level artificially. I’ve forgotten so much!

ariana says:

Hi Ava,
I know my AMH wasn’t great – but our clinic “doesn’t use that as an indicator” god knows why. My FSH last cycle wasn’t stellar (8 ish?) but not as bad as it’s been.. I don’t even KNOW what it was this cycle – see how different things are the second time around :)

If we can cycle in September and that is a BFN I’ll ask about reserve and waiting until January for sure..but again there’s that sibling issue.

Ava says:

Totally hear you. Trying second time around w/ treatment is a whole other ball-game. There are now 3 of you to consider, not just you and Jeff.
But your head is totally in the right place and you’re doing all the right things.

Has your RE had a discussion about egg quality/reserve with you? I’d like to think a few months won’t make a drastic difference.

ariana says:

Sarah- what an amazing story! Thanks for sharing :) Also, I very much like the phrase “at the edge of our fertility,” which perfectly sums it up! You are right, the fall is a crazy time. Underlying all of this though is that I really feel sad that if I do manage to conceive #2 that Jasper would be so much older than he/she.. I wanted to give him the gift of a sibling closer in age..M sister and I are 8 years apart, and while I love her to pieces we have always been at very different stages of our lives and I wanted Jasper to have a closer sibling experience. Every month that passes I calculate how old he’d be when the baby would be born if we got pregnant THIS cycle. So delaying even another six months seems long in that context :(

Sarah says:

Take the break as the gift that it is. I think that when we feel like we are on the very edge of our fertility we make desperate choices. I know I did. But the reality is that it CAN be fluid and come and go. Waiting 3 or 4 months to get the better treatment (IVF) without the financial hit sounds amazing. You’d get past the crush of the fall (which has to be a busy time for you since many clients want holiday card photos/products).

When I was in the thick of it, it felt like every missed cycle meant defeat. We stopped treatment after 8 IUIs because we couldn’t afford IVF and had no coverage for it. We spent a long year wondering what to do next. And then suddenly, my coverage options changed and it was on the table. And days later I found out I was pregnant.

ariana says:

So true Kimberly- the cycle felt doomed to fail anyway. Between the stress and the fact that I was SICK AS A DOG around the time of the IUI and have since been on Augmentin for my ear infection that won’t go away.. I thought it would have been a miracle for life to thrive under those circumstances :)

Anne – optimism is a bit of a foreign concept to me, I think it’s actually pure laziness LOL!

Chantal – for about 4 months now? We’d like something bigger and in a more fun location. But the market sucks so we’re not holding our breath!

Chantal says:

Sucky, but glad you can breathe a sigh of relief. And – you’re putting your house on the market? When did that happen?

Anne laney says:

Sucky news but glad you can look at the bright things.

Kimberly says:

A resounding “HELL YEAH” from me, my friend. That kind of stress isn’t conducive to conception anyway. Many thoughts and prayers coming your way for a baby on the next try. Xoxoxoxo