What to say…
June 15th, 2009 by ariana
I spent the whole morning and a good part of yesterday wondering what I would post today… like my mood, the idea of what to say changes almost by the minute. Sometimes anguished, sometimes resigned, sometimes angry, sometimes philosophical – it’s a dizzying array of emotions and thoughts that defies being captured and categorized.
First, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for everyone who has reached out and offered their prayers, support, advice, tough love, and has shared a bit of their own story with me. Each of your messages has lifted my heart and given me some measure of comfort.
So many of you expressed shock that you had no idea we were having problems and it occurs to me that perhaps my blog is not such a bad metaphor for my personality. There is much that goes on beneath the surface that I am somehow able to compartmentalize and simply continue on. This is not a good habit, and certainly not one that fosters connection and growth within a relationship.
I also realized that this blog is not an appropriate place to perform either a resurrection or postmortem autopsy of my marriage – both because it is off topic and also because though the current state of affairs may be fluid at the time, once blogged about it solidifies in a way that it may otherwise not have. And then there is the question of Jeff’s privacy, which I don’t take lightly.
So after today, though I will certainly keep you updated on major developments, I will return to our regularly scheduled “parenting” programming. I hope you can understand why.
But still, I return to the question of what to say now?
First and foremost it matters to me what to say to Jasper when he reads this someday, perhaps looking for answers.
I want him to know so many things, most of all that neither his Daddy nor I regret one second of any day in our lives that led us down the path towards becoming his parents. However bad we may be at working as partners towards a common goal, we both know that together we created the greatest masterpiece of our lives! Our failure or victories as a couple are ours alone sweet boy, do not ever think otherwise – not only because I’m your mother (and I said so!) but because it is the truth.
Secondly, I want to answer those who questioned if there was no hope for a reconciliation.. the answer is that I truly don’t know. There are times when I feel it is utterly hopeless and others when I feel cautiously hopeful. And then there is always the fact that it isn’t up to me alone, there must be willingness on both sides.
And finally, In response to my question of “Who Am I without Jeff?” someone wrote that I am, among other things, a teacher.
This statement surprised me, I have never thought of myself that way, but perhaps I should. So the last part I want to say is about the things I should have done differently, the things that perhaps you can do differently so that your marriage will not suffer the same fate as ours.
1 ) Don’t ignore your problems, they will not go away, but your love might.
2) If you are pregnant now, take the extra effort to connect with your partner and sure up your relationship.. it will be tried in ways you can’t even imagine.
3) Schedule time for one another no matter how insurmountable or insignificant a task this may seem with a new baby.
4) Make time for each of you to do the things you loved before becoming parents so you don’t lose yourselves as individuals.
5) Never, ever take for granted that your partner will always be there just because you are “married”.
The last item was probably my greatest mistake. A relationship is like a plant in need of constant nourishing, it cannot live on just the promise of the seed alone.
A friend sent me this poem which resonated so deeply that I cannot end this post without including it here despite it’s length. There is something to learn for everyone in these words, happily married, struggling or alone:
“Comes the Dawn”
After some time you learn the difference,
The subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
And company doesn’t always mean security.And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,
And presents aren’t promises.And you begin to accept your defeats,
With your head up and your eyes ahead,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.After a while you learn,
That even the sun burns if you get too much,
And learn that it doesn’t matter how much you do care about,
Some people simply don’t care at all.And you accept that it doesn’t matter how good a person is,
She will hurt you once in a while,
And you need to forgive her for that.You learn that talking can relieve emotional pain.
You discover that it takes several years to build a relationship based on confidence,
And just a few seconds to destroy it.And that you can do something just in an instant,
And which you will regret for the rest of your life.You learn that the true friendships,
Continue to grow even from miles away.And that what matters isn’t what you have in your life,
But who you have in your life.And that good friends are the family,
Which allows us to choose.You learn that we don’t have to switch our friends,
If we understand that friends can also change.You realize that you are your best friend,
And that you can do do anything, or nothing,
And have good moments together.You discover that the people who you most care about in your life,
Are taken from you so quickly,
So we must always leave the people who we care about with lovely words,
It may be the last time we see them.You learn that the circumstances and the environment have influence upon us,
But we are responsible for ourselves.You start to learn that you should not compare yourself with others,
But with the best you can be.You discover that it takes a long time to become the person you wish to be,
And that the time is short.You learn that it doesn’t matter where you have reached,
But where you are going to.But if you don’t know where you are going to,
Anywhere will do.You learn that either you control your acts,
Or they shall control you.And that to be flexible doesn’t mean to be weak or not to have personality,
Because it doesn’t matter how delicate and fragile the situation is,
There are always two sides.You learn that heroes are those who did what was necessary to be done,
Facing the consequences.You learn that patience demands a lot of practice.
You discover that sometimes,
The person who you most expect to be kicked by when you fall,
Is one of the few who will help you to stand up.You learn that maturity has more to do with the kinds of experiences you had
And what you have learned from them,
Than how many birthdays you have celebrated.You learn that there are more from you parents inside you than you thought.
You learn that we shall never tell a child that dreams are silly,
Very few things are so humiliating,
And it would be a tragedy if she believed in it.You learn that when you are angry,
You have the right to be angry,
But this doesn’t give you the right to be cruel.You discover that only because someone doesn’t love you the way you would like her to,
It doesn’t mean that this person doesn’t love you the most she can,
Because there are people who love us,
But just don’t know how to show or live that.You learn that sometimes it isn’t enough being forgiven by someone,
Sometimes you have to learn how to forgive yourself.You learn that with the same harshness you judge,
Some day you will be condemned.You learn that it doesn’t matter in how many pieces your heart has been broken,
The world doesn’t stop for you to fix it.You learn that time isn’t something you can turn back,
Therefore you must plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.And you learn that you really can endure.
You really are strong.
And you can go so farther than you thought you could go.
And that life really has a value.
And you have value within the life.
And that our gifts are betrayers,
And make us lose
The good we could conquer,
If it wasn’t for the fear of trying.(Alternately attributed to Jorge Luis Borges, Veronica A. Shoffstall or just “unknown”)
In closing I want to thank you all again so much for the amazing upwelling of support. I feel loved and supported in a way that I have not in a long time, and that is enough to keep me going until I find more even footing.
Tomorrow we will return to discussing the truly deep issues in life like finger foods and high chair hi-jinks… please continue to stay tuned.
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Tears are pouring down my face. I hope you find comfort and an easier path. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to re-commit to making my marriage a priority in spite of all the reasons it gets shoved to the bottom of the list.
But my heart absolutely breaks for you.
What a beautiful and gracious post. In the midst of heartbreak, you still think of others. You deserve happiness and love, safety and security and so does your lovely little boy. I wish you all of that. I hope, hope, hope that it comes quickly to you both.
Ariana: I don’t think I’ve ever read words so poignant and eloquent. I cannot imagine what you’re going thru and I have no words. But I think you’re 110% right on your decision not to blog about your marriage at this point, as it does have a solidifying effect that may not be desireable. You’re also so wise to tell Jasper he is the greatest masterpiece of all – and separate from your marriage’s success or failure! Lastly, your friend who called you a teacher is dead-on. You’re a fabulous teacher and the epitomy of a giver. I hope karma returns to you the gifts and happiness and beauty that you’ve so freely given to others!
Thank you for this post. Tomorrow I find out if our third cycle of IVF has worked. It’s a very scary time as I know you can relate. Your advice hits home right now. The poem is a reminder to be strong and positive either way. ((HUGS))
just read your last two posts and i wanted to tell you that i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i can only imagine how hard this is on you. i’m sending lots of prayers and good vibes your way, and i wish you nothing but peace, comfort, and happiness as soon as you can find it. i hope that you are able to find solace in your family and friends, and most importantly in Jasper. whatever is going on between you and Jeff right now, what i and everyone else around you can see is that your love produced a gorgeous, intelligent little human being, and that alone speaks volumes not only about both of you as individuals, but of the great things you were able to accomplish as a couple. like you said in your post, regardless of what happens from here on out, you have Jasper to show for the time you did have together, and he really is a miracle. i think it’s clear that you are a wonderful person and an INCREDIBLE mother and none of this changes that.
((hugs))
Hi Ariana,
I spent some time going back through becoming-home and becoming-mom this weekend – your house is so beautiful and you two worked SO hard to make it that way!
What became obvious to me is that in the space of 3 short years, your marriage has endured some of the most stressful, relationship-taxing events possible… a big move, living with parents/in-laws, home purchase, home renovation, infertility, pregnancy, a new baby… a DIFFICULT new baby and all the other baby/breast-feeding difficulties you experienced in Jasper’s first 8 months. This combination of events would stress even the most rock-solid of relationships.
I hope that both you and Jeff can give yourselves credit for that, and see through the fog to get back to basics and remember what originally brought you together, and kept you together for so many years. You were happy once, and surely those qualities that drew you together can be re-discovered with time, commitment, forgiveness, and effort.
Now that Jasper is older and less difficult, and the house is mostly finished and livable, perhaps those stressors will dissipate and you can focus on the core of who you are as a couple, and as individuals. My heart truly aches in so many ways for you both, and you all remain in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the best, no matter which path you end up upon – Jasper certainly has loving, wonderful parents.
It is strange and true that blogs make us feel connected to people whom we’ve never met or spoken to… please know that I am among the dozens of people who care and are willing to listen to anything you might need to vent. I’m pulling for you!
At the risk of taking up more comment space than I should… I’d like to share a passage that we had read at our wedding, and that we have printed and framed in our bedroom as a reminder. It’s so easy to forget…
The Art of a Good Marriage
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end
with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,
but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humor.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
-Wilferd Arlan Peterson
((hugs))
Kimberly’s recap of your last three years–what the heck! I think she’s right in that any ONE of those things would pose relationship challenges to any couple. And you had so many things to deal with in succession. Maybe it didn’t seem like it while you were going through it…but stepping back from it all may offer perspective.
You guys will do what you need to do. And we are totally here for you. Becoming Mom Commenters Unite!
Good food for though Kimberly, thank you.
JB you made me smile as always :)
All I can say is ‘Wow’. Your strength resonates through your writing. I am amazed! Thanks for sharing this part of you with us. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe this. You will find your answers somehow. Stay strong and stay true to YOU.
Oh, hon. I am so sorry. I don’t know that I have much more wisdom to offer. Just lots of virtual ((hugs)).
Ariana,
Thanks for you comment on my video post….
You should not take our wedding reading as evidence of your failure; rather as an ideal to strive toward together. Lord knows, we certainly don’t live up to the ideal most of the time… but it serves as a reminder to focus inward as a couple when things get bad, or even just complacent. Maybe it’s not too late. I don’t know if your marriage is salvageable; maybe you don’t either. I hope for all three of your sakes that it is… and if not, I am confident you will go forward with strength and grace and raise a beautiful little boy while finding the path that awaits you. :)
Hi Ariana,
I just read your posts today. I am very sad to hear the news of course. I married very young and had a super ugly divorce at 28. I married my “rebound” and have never been happier. You will find there are a lot of other people in your shoes which doesn’t make it suck any less but does provide comfort. If it is best for you both I truly hope a reconciliation is possible. I agree with what Kimberely said- you guys have been through SO much. It seemed the first few months of baby Jasper seemed son incredibly difficult which I’m sure took it’s toll…as a new mom myself I can’t believe how well you handled it all. Anyway, if a reconciliation is not possible don’t lose heart. You may find yourself in a completely different place a year or two from now – one that you would not have believed to be possible. 35 these days is young, you could very well have another child in the next few years – if I remember correctly you had unexplained infertility- which means it is definitely possible, no?? You have a lot to offer, you are beautiful, talented (as this blog shows) and you seem to be an amazing mother! Hang in there and the best of luck with whatever happens!!!
I love the poem. THere are many lessons in it that I have already learned in my 33 years. And others that have me thinking in new ways. I especially like these two:
“You start to learn that you should not compare yourself with others,
But with the best you can be.”
“You learn that we shall never tell a child that dreams are silly,
Very few things are so humiliating,
And it would be a tragedy if she believed in it.”
How true.
See, you are already on your way to self discovery and improvement. I know you will come out of this ordeal a better person, regardless of which way it goes.
Ariana, I have not checked your blog in a few weeks so I had to go back to the official “announcment.” I cannot imagine all the emotions you must be feeling right now. I don’t even have good advice to offer because any words seem useless for someone in your situation. All I can say is rely on the support around you (sounds like you have some amazing parents). Keep writing. It really is an outlet for emotions that have no other path to take other than causing you to go crazy. Someone gave me that exact same poem when I had my very first break-up in high school (definitely not the same, for sure) but I always remembered that poem. Every word of it is so very true.
You are a very smart girl. Surely you realize that the foundation of your marriage was not a mistake. You were doing what was right in that moment even though it turned out to be wrong in the end. We are actually supposed to live in the moment. Not in the days. Not in the years. Because we will never know if we have days or years. We only have this moment. So keep that in mind when you’re scared of the future. Things will be okay if you concentrate on RIGHT NOW. And right now, well, you’ve got Jasper. Hold onto him. That love will NEVER fail.
The five things you posted really resonated with me. I am guilty of taking my husband for granted at times. Again thank you for sharing these two posts.
Also would it be alright with you if I shared your five things on my blog? I’ll credit back to you. Your list really resounded with me.
Lily, please feel free..
My words seem to fail me as I write this comment, but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you guys as you figure out what is best for you. Thank you and kudos for your honesty about what is going on. As hard as this all is, it is nice to hear from other blogger who have been or are going through the same thing. I pray for sunny days ahead.
~Sarah~