Becoming Alone

As I sit in the guest bedroom of my parents’ house, Jasper sleeping in the room next to mine listening to the angry rain outside the window I think how fitting it is that our marriage also began in a downpour…

I have kept the fact that Jasper and I moved out of becoming home last weekend a secret, foolishly thinking that perhaps if it were unspoken it would also be somehow less true .  But as much as announcing  the failure of our marriage publicly rips my heart into tiny pieces, I believe it is better than having to relive the hurt by telling one person at a time,  reopening the wound just a little bit more with each retelling.

So, here I am. A refugee in my parents’ house.. a 35 year old single mom, trying not to dwell on these cruel facts staring me in the face:

The fact that my son will never know his parents as a family, the fact that I will never live in my house again, the fact that in all likelihood I will never have another child, the fact that everything around me reminds me of my former life and the fact that without my husband I feel so utterly alone and unsure. Who am I without Jeff?

If you ask me what “happened” it would be hard for me to say exactly.  No single event, fight or indiscretion led us here. What I do know is that life together as we were living it was sad and lonely, both of us feeling abandoned and unloved despite the physical presence of the other.

In counseling over the past four months there have been many theories about the generation of the degeneration ranging from traumatic events in our past, wounded inner children to just the simple theory that maybe we chose poorly.

It is that last conclusion that we seemed to have settled on,  the only one for which the remedy is so obvious and so devastating.

Jeff is of the opinion that our lack of common interests and complete opposite approaches to the world have made him bitter and resentful, causing him to act in ways that we both find unacceptable.  That may be true, and an important part of the story, but I also know that I contributed to his feeling that way by a certain selfishness in my actions and emotions – and this is something I will always regret.

There is no fingerpointing here, just sadness in both of us and a longing for an other that will not only be BY our side but also ON our side.

That lack of feeling like we are on the same “team” is part of the reason I devote so much of myself to my blog.. YOU all have become my support system and it makes me feel a little less terrified knowing that I have somewhere to vent my sadness (which there will be much of) and celebrate my joy (which I hope there will be some of.) For that, I am so incredibly grateful.

Thank you.

Ariana

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Gina says:

I have just “become alone”…same feelings same losses same situation… The biggest loss is my daughter will never have that family I so wanted for her( she is two) and the grief that I may not have another baby…
Thanks for ur post

monika says:

Ariana,
I have been out of town for 3 weeks and so just caught up to where I had left off with your blog. I am so shocked and so sorry to hear about this news. I cannot believe how much this has upset me-I really enjoy your tips and style of sharing and every time I visit your site I share the info with my husband. Having a little baby has been very stressful and I know what you mean about being a team, although my husband tries hard. I think I have a higher standard somehow and am always critical. My son Kirin is just one month younger than Jasper. Your words remind me not to be so mean always but I cannot help but cry for you and feel so sad. I know Jasper will always know how very loved he is by his parents. I hope something magically brings you and Jeff together, although I dont even know if that is what you want- but I know you want everything for Jasper.

I dont know you at all but feel some connection through your site and yours is the first blog I have ever read. My husband understood when I cried tonight and told him how upset I was for you. I think you deserve more and hope you are not too scared because I know I would be scared as hell. You are an amazing mom and a wonderful example of one as well and I do believe you are an amazing women too.
I hope no one reads this because they will think I am a wacko.
lots of love and my hurt aches and also hopes and also holds support for you,
Monika.

AmandaG says:

Everything Jen left in the first post, I second. It was courageous of you to share your story. I notice it touched a lot of people on here, as it did for me. I think it’s a testament to your writing and the person you are. My best to you.

Vicky says:

I too am going through some sort of separation with my husband of 8 years and 2 small children. I made many mistakes in trying to “fix” things and I can only hope that any advice I may give you will help you from making the same mistakes. First of all did you know that many couples divorce after therapy? I did not research a therapist and it ruined us. I should have found a marriage friendly therapist (which do exist if you google that) It sounds like what you were told is typical of a therapist. However, everyone chooses the “wrong” the person. In other words nobody is perfect, there is no right person and it’s the differences between the both of you that you should embrace. Everyone gave me the same advice, be strong, move on blah blah. Although I do not know your entire circumstance, I can tell you that you are in the majority of normal couples who give up way too soon. There is not an expiration date on commitment and so it needs to be honored and appreciated. Give yourselves the chance to love each other I mean really love each other. Respect each other and your differences. Allow each other your own space to enjoy what you may like that the other one doesn’t. That’s ok. Put each other first. Remember how it was in the beginning and how you felt about each other. When you look at Jeff, think of those feelings. When you think of Jeff, think of only the positive things about him. Forget the negative stuff it just doesn’t matter really. When you look through the lens of positivity that is exactly what you will see. Remember behind most emotions is fear. Figure out what your fear is and when you do tell him about it. I can only hope that you find peace within yourself and within your marriage. Jacob needs this most from his parents. The greatest gift you can give your child is to love their father/mother.
Blessings

nanette says:

Ariana – I’m just now catching up on my Reader, so apologies for my delayed response. I’m so sorry you’re having to endure this. You are a very strong woman and mom, and i know things will turn out for the best.

Rebekah says:

Ariana, I am so sorry to hear this. You and Jasper (and Jeff) will be okay. You will be in my prayers. Big hugs.

Kristen says:

Ariana, I’m so sorry to read this. I was another that said “oh no!” in my head as I read the post from the day after and had to scroll down as I read this post from the day before. You ARE so brave to write this, I know in writing mine how blogs can seem so cheery. And, really how different it is dealing at home with life and all the sudden the extra new responsibility that you love so much being added in. I hope we can be support to you, you seem like such a strong and generous person and no doubt deserve it and to be happy.

Lily says:

I was so sorry to read this post and feel so much sympathy for all you are going through right now. I appreciate you sharing this with us, your blog readers, many who have followed you from becominghome. It shows strength… one of the things I get from being a blogger is finding common ground and shared experiences with people I don’t know in real life. So thank you for that.

kate says:

Another long time reader and rare commenter. I found your becoming-home blog and followed you to becoming-mom. It’s amazing how much I can identify with what you’re going through. I’m married but don’t have any kids, so I can only imagine how you must feel going through this. Sometimes being married is so hard it’s unbearable (is it supposed to be like that?) and I have no idea how we got to where we are. But as cheesy as it sounds, I look at the future and see my husband in it. I think sometimes we get off track and I can’t imagine how we could possibly be so far from where I think we should be! I like to think somehow we can bring our path back to where it “should” be. I hope you and Jeff can look at the future you imagined, and see if you can get back on track to get there together. And if you can’t, I hope you can take strength from all of us thinking of you! You’re a wonderful, strong, beautiful mom and you and Jasper will make it through this, no matter the outcome. Thank you for sharing with us. I think you’ve left more of a mark on us than anyone expected!

KaieRayne says:

Hello Ariana, I’ve been reading your blog over the past few months & never commented…. its time I “delurked” (reading all the old stuff, so I can catch up to the new stuff) It breaks my hear to read this post. :( I’m so very sorry for what you and your family are going through. I’ve been through this same situation but my husband and I were able to reconcile… so there is hope. I’m not sure exactly what your situation is but just know that I will keep you in my prayers!
God Bless!

Tristan says:

How weird for someone on the other side of the country to feel so saddened by this news. It is totally unexpected my flood of feelings for you all. I know this may be a hard decision for everyone but life is too short for there not to be love and happiness in abundance on a daily basis, you all deserve that. Ariana my heart goes out to you Japser and Jeff…

lizzle says:

long time reader and never a commenter. not my style, but i can’t help it this time. i am shocked and only want to say that i am thinking of you and hoping that you and your family can find a way to peace and comfort. for me your blog has been absolutely touching, inspiring, and has made me look so forward to one day being a mother. thank you.

Bobbi says:

Another Long time reader that has rarely commented…but now coming out to say — YOu will be okay! I know it sounds s cliche!
I am sorry to hear this but will cheerlead you along the way!

Diana says:

Ariana,
I’m a daily reader of your blog, but never really comment. I want to say that I’m in tears… my heart hurts for you! You are a very VERY brave WOMAN to have post this in your blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jasper and Jeff.
love,

Diana

Kimberly says:

There’s nothing that I can say that will be any different than the previous comments. I don’t even ?know? you! Nevertheless, I am also surprised by and touched by the honesty of this post. But you will rally. That much I know. Who knows why things happen the way they do? Chin up, girl.

Kara says:

Hello Ariana,

I have to tell you that your blog was the very first ever I found as I was knee deep in infertility treatments and I am sorry to say we share another commonality. My (soon to be ex) husband and I are also separating (after 8 years of marriage, home ownership,infertility and a crap load of other stuff). I am so sorry to hear your news, my heart just breaks for you.

Know that each day gets a little less painful and I hear you about staying with the parentiles…. it should be against the law :-S… Here’s hoping you cracked a smile at that one.

xoxo-Kara

catherine says:

Hi Ariana –

I literally said, “Oh no!” out loud when i read your post because I was so surprised – and so sad. I’ve been following your blog since it was Becoming Home. You’ve been through so much over the last few years – with trying to get pregnant and then raising a baby through his first year. My thoughts are with you as you begin to heal – which you will!!!

C.

vtjill says:

My thoughts are with you during this time and I feel such sorrow for your sadness. It is a lot to let go of and I pray that you find some peace and comfort from your family, friends and dear Jasper.

Like a few others have said I read the first lines over and over thinking there had to be a very bad missed word in there — maybe a NOT somewhere. I was wrong, and my heart sank with each continued sentence. I’ve gone back and read this post a few times a day hoping to see some miraculous update. I’ve only been reading for a month or two after my wife pointed me to a few posts and given the similar stages of parenting we’re in I’ve enjoyed your posts, pics, and video. NOTHING in your posts hinted that this was going on — and that must have been very hard for you!

I hope positive and happy thoughts help because I have them for you, jasper, and jeff. It sounds as if things are civil w/ you two and i hope he has an outlet and friendships to help him through this as well — he’ll need it in order to be the best father he can be. I agree that you need to fight and work hard with any relationship, but I’ve also seen a few too many couples try to make something work that wasn’t meant to be only to ruin the possibility of staying friends.

Please don’t go Radio Silent on the blog — even it the posts get shorter and a little less frequent.

blue skies!

mhb says:

First, I say ditto to highernest’s (o)

Second, I want to say that I don’t know you as “Jeff’s wife”. I know you as Ariana. If staying married to Jeff is not allowing you to be the best Ariana you can be, then however painful this is, it’s the right choice.

I will keep reading, because I’ve learned _so_ much from you, and I will be pulling for you to embrace this painful time as an opportunity. You are brilliant and talented. I know you’ll make the best of this terribly sad situation.

Rachel says:

I wish I had something to say. I am sorry, I am saddened, I am angry. That we live in a world where families can’t always stay together.

I’m sorry for you, for your husband and your son. no one wins in this situation.

I ditto the above poster, about the movie fireproof. I believe every marriage still has a chance.

I’ll be praying for you.

Rachel

Ashley says:

Ariana,
Your post stunned me. It’s amazing how we (as readers) feel like we know every intricate detail of a blogger’s life by simply reading weekly posts. Obviously, that is a completely incorrect assumption.

I do want to speak to Eileen’s comment above. I am not trying to intrude, just trying to offer a little advice (from a mom who has been a single mother for five years). Having a child is the most difficult time for a marriage. Not only do you have to adjust to different parenting styles, sleep cycles, shifts in priorities, balancing attention for yourself, your husband AND your child (in that order), and stay sane the entire time, it is no wonder why marriages struggle through this.

I, too, look at all of the pictures of you and Jeff and cannot imagine that you married the wrong people. I strongly suggest that you watch “Fireproof” and read “The Love Dare”. It is a Christian movie and book, but even if you’re not a Christian it is incredibly valuable information for everyone. Fight for your marriage.

I hope that you take time for yourself during this rough time to just re-connect with YOU. It’s so easy to let ourselves go in a marriage and especially when becoming a parent. Best of luck to you! All three of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jamie says:

I am so sorry. I wish I had more to say or give to comfort you.

Janey says:

If love and good wishes could lessen any of the hurt and anguish you must be feeling right now, I am sure reading all of the comments above must help. Unfortunately, nothing but time and your own counsel and wisdom will make the difference. I hope all the love and generosity that you have put out into the world via your blogs comes back to you and supports you at this difficult time. The loveliness of who you are makes your blog the first one I read. Without knowing any of the specifics, please forgive my unsolicited offering of advice, if you can, try to hold on to your marriage, forgive him, forgive yourself. I did and it was worth it.

Maddie says:

I just wanted to add another voice to the choir of support. I hope your strength, that shines through in every word you write, lessens the burden of this experience and helps you to move confidently and joyously through this new life that you and Jasper are creating for yourselves.

eileen says:

Dear young mom,
I’m going to be the voice of tough love even though I don’t know the specifics of your situation. It’s just I’ve seen pictures of you and your husband on your website and I’m not convinced that you married the wrong people. 4 months in therapy is not a long time and SO many couples feel lonely and ignored when they have children. (I did and I held on to that resentment for too long.) It’s possible you two are struggling with redefining yourselves and your relationship now that you are three. Do you still love each other? It sounds to me like there are hurts and slights that haven’t healed. Sometimes things have to fall apart before they come together. Forgive me for intruding; I would say these things to any friend. I only wish you the best.

lelu says:

My heart hurts for you guys. Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Melanie says:

I commend you on the strength it takes to share your story. Many positive thoughts to you and Jasper.

Samm Ivri says:

Gosh, I had no idea. Of course, how would I? Its just that seeing your photos and reading your blog, I had an image in my mind of a perfect home. I am very sorry to hear that it is not the case. I am sorry that you and Jasper will have to find a new home.
I have two friends with babies (now toddlers) that have gone through divorces. And I am happy to say that all the kids are very happy and doing great. And I am also happy to tell you that the moms are much happier in their new lives as well.
I wish you the same – I hope you find a better new life. And if you ever need a stranger to talk to, just let me know.

priscilla says:

You are not alone. You have us.

Georgia says:

Oh no Ariana! I don’t know you personally, but I follow your blog and naturally nag you for photography tips over email. I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I know you’ll pull through! If you need a stranger to vent to, my inbox is always open :)

Connie says:

Like some previous posters, I read your blog daily, but I don’t comment very often. I found your BecomingHome blog a while ago through the SoFl Knot board, but I really became an avid reader when I discovered BecomingMom. Your posts are always so thoughtful and honest, and so inspiring with all your many talents. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I’m now pregnant with my first child and reading your blog has helped me in so many ways.

And now, reading your latest post, it has really moved me to tears. We don’t know each other, but from reading your blog, I feel like you’re a close friend and I can see what a strong and courageous woman you are and that you will get through this. I wish you all the very best and please know you have many many online friends that are thinking of you!

With much love and support,
Connie

Rebecca says:

Ariana-
I have never posted before, but I visit your site daily and I have taken so much wonderful advice from you! Your words have been there for me when I have needed support or a recipe or decorating advice (and on and on) so I wanted to add a few words of support for you. I’m terribly sorry that you and your family are going through this. I think you are an amazing mother, and I hope you find peace soon.
Take Care-
Rebecca

jbhat says:

I emailed you, but also wanted to be one of your many supportive commenters on this momentous post. We <3 you and your boy. Be strong and take care.

Nicole says:

My prayers are with you. Thank you for being so candid with your story. Having had my son shortly after you had yours I understand the pressures of marriage are much stronger when children are present. I wish you all the best on starting your new journey! PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE.
With Love,
Nicole

heartartz says:

Ariana,
I was so shocked to read your post. Words cannot aptly express the sadness I feel. I am so sorry.
I have read BMom since you started it and before that I started reading BHome soon after you started that blog.
I have seen you go from a giddily happy newlywed and to develop into a wonderful confident “home” creator and mother.
I know this will be a difficult time for you. It is good you have a loving and supportive family.
God bless you and Jasper, and Jeff too.
Lots of LOVE,
Gail

Poor girl, my heart is broken for you. Having a baby is the hardest thing our marriage has gone through. At the same time, it seems like quite a few people I know who are pregnant or very recently had a baby are dissolving their marriages.

I understand that there are so many stressors in a marriage, and I applaud you for going to counseling to try to get it figured out. Just keep on being the wonderful mom you are, and you will get through it.

I’m thinking about you!

You are so lucky to have your parents so close for love, support and shelter.

Beth says:

I hate divorce, and I am so, so sad for you. I had no idea… and must wonder, like a few other commenters, if things are irrevocably broken. I’m rooting for you — for both of you. So many people (whom you don’t even know!) love you; I hope you’re comforted by that! I am praying for you and Jeff!

Natalie says:

Ariana – You are a beautiful woman, inside and out.

Also, as a child of divorce with nutty parents, I can say that I turned out well adjusted and happy. (My husband jokingly always wonders why) Jasper is lucky to have a mother like you.

Be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Treat yourself and talk to yourself like a comforting, nourishing best friend. Take care of yourself.

Kim says:

Wow, I’m sorry for you having to be in this situation. And even though it’s really tough right now, the pain will dull eventually and maybe even go away. Cherish the fact that you have the gift of a beautiful son and even though he wont know his parents as a “family”, be grateful he is too young to remember this. Good luck in adjusting and I wish you much strength and hope.

chantal says:

Ariana, I am so incredibly sorry. I was just thinking of you today, thinking of how beautiful and lovely and smart you are and it breaks my heart to read this. I will be thinking of you, Jasper and Jeff. We are all here for you if you need to vent or reminisce, or just get your thoughts out.

erin says:

i am a relatively new reader to the blog and have never commented, but just want you to know that i am sending extra prayers up for you tonight and wishing peace and happiness your way.

please know how much joy and strength your blog brings to me and many others. i am currently in month 13 of my TTC journey, and simply thinking of your beautiful jasper gives me hope. aside from that, your style, confidence, amazing talent with photography, and writing ability are constant sources of inspiration. i am sure that you will come out of this experience stronger, smarter, and better for it. in the meantime, i hope that the blog, your readers, and baby jasper will provide plenty of respite from this painful process.

Eva says:

I am so, so, sad to hear about your marital troubles… I wish there was something I could say that would help the situation, but I can only send you virtual hugs. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for over a year now and I feel as sad as if this were happening to a close friend. You’ll get through this! I’m glad you have your parents nearby. Since my Lauren was born, there have been many, many times that I wished my parents lived right next door. Best of luck to all of you and I hope the transition is as easy as it possibly can be.

Liz says:

This post is heartbreaking to read as I am sure it was to write. Like many others who posted, this is my first time commenting. Remember you are loved and you are so much more than Jeff’s wife. This is not the end. Take care of yourself and Jasper.
p.s. I enjoy reading your first moments with your baby!

Elizabeth says:

Ariana, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Reading your blog has been such a priceless source of laughter and escape…you are such a great mom and role model. There is light at the end of every dark tunnel. Your family is in my prayers.

Kim says:

I have only read your blog and never posted, but you have always provided a sense of comfort for me, having a baby one month younger than yours. I am so sad to hear this news and wish you strength and self-assuredness to get through this tough time in as easy a way as possible.

faith says:

I’m so so so very sorry for everything that is happening to you. As someone else said, this is a total shock and you shouldn’t have to do this alone. Find your friends and lean on them. What good are they if they are only there on sunny days? I wish you strength (which you have!!!!!) and sending you love even though i don’t know you personally. If anything at all… what you’ve gone through has given you Jasper… and he’s fantastic.

kelly says:

i have been faithfully following your blog since i stumbled upon your nursery tour, which ended up providing the single greatest source of inspiration for my own nursery for my little girl expected any day now. i went back to ‘catch up’ and read every single one of your posts on both sites and was so captured by your story, your willingness to share such intimate details of both the struggles and triumphs, and your raw, honest and creative writing style. even though i don’t know you, my heart hurts for you as you go through this, so just know that all these people out here in cyberspace are on your side, and will certainly take something away from your experience. so thank you for that. lots of hugs!

Marisa (from the Knot/Nest) says:

Oh, Ariana. I have often looked to your blog when I needed a comfort or a laugh during my first months in mommyhood. & I wish I could give you that too right now. I have always wished that I had gotten to spend more time with you when you lived in South Florida. It is so clear that you are such an amazing person – talented, smart, kind. When I saw your blog today, my heart dropped. I hate this for you more than I can even say. How gracefully you are handling this is such a testament to the kind of person you are. How lucky Jasper is to have you as a mom. I can only imagine how you’re grieving, but I know that there is SO much joy for you out there, Ariana. You have too much joy IN YOU for there not to be. You are in my thoughts…

HamiHarri says:

Oh Ariana, I am letting out a big sigh of sadness for you as I read this. This is a total shock to me and my heart is breaking for you. You have such a beautiful family, and I know you’ll be able to find support and comfort in them during this sad time :( I have to say that I’m so happy to hear that you guys tried counselling, and although it didn’t work out, hopefully it allowed you a chance to speak and learn about each others feelings. I hope you’ll continue to blog as I so enjoy reading every post, even though I may not comment on them all. I’m hear if you need anything, even if just for a cyber hug!

xo Ashley